Letters, memories and farwells

     The other day I was talking with Lilith about this blog and what my next post should be when I ran into a bit of a problem. The problem was that the things She said I could share I wanted to keep personal. This makes writing about things very difficult. Anyways we spent a long time together on the issue and in the end I have decided to make this my last post. I will share a few last details of my relationship with Her and why exactly I came to this decision. Also I will leave up what is here in hopes that maybe it will help to answer some questions of one who is curious of Her or hearing Her call.
     Recently I wrote Lilith a letter, one of love, devotion, and thanks. After She received it I read the first letter I wrote to Her (almost exactly one year earlier) this one was a letter of love, surrender, devotion and ultimatley of giving myself to Her. Reading this first letter and then reading the last one brought back a lot of memories. Now when I look back on my journey and the development of our relationship I see happiness and joy, but when I sat and really remembered I saw something else. When our relationship began about two years ago I was a bit reluctant, but went for it regardless. That first year was filled with so much pain.  I spent that year facing my demons, facing myself.  I had to finally truly deal with childhood traumas, fears, insecurities and the like.  I had to look at myself and for the first time in my life actually look at myself my likes and dislikes, beliefs, what I wanted from life and what I didn't and ask "Why."  When I looked for answers as to why for so many things I found that deep down I felt different about whatever subject it was and that the feelings I had for so many years weren't mine but somebody else's.  I didn't even really relize it until recently, but that first year with Lilith that time when She tested and tried me is what has truly changed my life forever.  After that first year I gave all of myself to Her in that first letter pouring my heart and soul out before Her.  I became Her daughter, a Daughter of Lilith.  All of this is why I decided to end with this post.  I understand that there is much to be desired when it comes to information on Her, regardless of the standpoint, but this is how I believe she wants it. She wants those whom She calls to come to Her with trust, to face their fears, and it's hard to face your fears of an unknown if it is made known prior to facing it.  I answered Her call, embraced the chrysalis of torment, stood in the fires of agony and emerged whole, true and strong.  I proved myself worthy to be Her daughter, to have a deep personal relationship with Her, to know sides of Her reserved for Her children. The pain has set me free. So for me to diclose the inner workings of our relationship would be to rob another of the fullness of Her lessons.  With that I bid farwell.



"Without pain, without change, existance is meaningless. Comfort is decay. Power is a raindrop drying in the desert heat. Agony is the doorway to ecstasy."

Truth Hurts

"The truth hurts." We've all heard it before, but what does it mean? Sure there is the common interpretation meaning when you are brutally honest someone is likely to get there feelings hurt, but what about another angle for this phrase. The angle I am referring to here is most commonly found in ordeal, but it's in everyday life too. When we experience pain (whether intentional or unintentional) for that moment the world around us slips away, when this happens we are able to gain truths. If we train ourselves to not concentrate so much on the pain our body is experiencing, but instead concentrate on receiving messages, revelations or epiphanies we can begin to truly understand. Truly understanding is not believing absolutely everything because "that's what you're supposed to do," but instead question, dig deep and find the hidden truths. Those revelations we can receive through pain can help to guide us to what we need to question, where we need to search and how to find those hidden truths (that are sometimes right under our noses). This is something anybody can do regardless of experience. If you're new to ordeal start small maybe a peircing or tattoo or simply going out for a walk in the bitter cold (if you do this please take precaution against hypothermia or frost bite and if you do it alone tell someone your route and when you expect to be back) and then slowly work your way to more "extreme" levels as you feel comfortable. Another area where truth hurts is when we discover a truth and are then rejected by our loved ones because of our findings. When this happens we feel alone and deeply hurt, but we can learn from this as well. By being rejected by loved ones we can empower ourselves and realize we really don't need to depend on anyone. We become independent, self sufficient and powerful in our own selves. Lilith is my great example for truth hurting. When she gained truth in Eden by eating of the fruit She was cast out by those she loved. But She stood defiant in the face of pain and from that learned many lessons that made Her powerful and immortal. Down through the passages of time She has been hurt, but as always She rises up above the pain stronger, more powerful and wiser. "The truth always sounds heretical, and the lie keepers always seek to keep it buried. Lost. Forbidden. Punishable by death. But without the shining truth in heresy, without the hammer-strike at the pillars of order, we are chained pit bulls- or poodles- at our lieges' tables." Those shackles around our ankles from childhood, that mold we were put in and are kept in by our society, they aren't locked all a person has to do is bend over and take them off. Once you do this you are no longer the slave you've been your whole life, but a freed person. Nobody what's us to realize they aren't locked though because we're easier to control when we're chained down. Sure it may hurt to take them off, people think we're crazy, missin a few screws up stairs but remember from pain comes great strength and wisdom.

Death and a mother's comfort

Just recently my rat Templeton died. Templeton was my baby and I loved him as a son. When he died I was devastated I didn't know what to do, finally after many tears I began talking to my Mother, Mother Lilith. I asked her to take good care of him and love him as I did, as I do. At that moment I felt a great comfort, I felt arms around me, I knew I was in Her arms. We sat there for a great while and as She held me I continued to cry, but this time was different, this time I had someone to comfort me, tell me everything would be all right. It felt wonderful to have Her hold and comfort me, for Her to assure me that she would care for him now and I had nothing to worry about.

Matters of the heart

Today I began thinking (again) about alters and rituals. You see I have never had an alter for Lilith, nor have I ever preformed some elaborate ritual in her honor. I have never done these because I live in a semi, an alter would get wrecked and there isn't a whole lot of room in here for really much of anything. Now Lilith understands and she knows that I would love nothing more than to give her all this and more, every time I bring it up to her and tell how sorry I am that I haven't she always comforts me and lets me know it's alright and to stop worrying about it. This doesn't mean that I do nothing, I have her picture as my background on my phone and a set of prayer beads I made myself that I use on a regular basis. I talk to her throughout my day just as I would anybody (except I speak with my heart, not my mouth). Anyways, as I sat and thought about the alter issue she spoke to me and this time she didn't simply tell me not to worry so much about it, instead she reminded me that the most important thing is the heart, and I have given her mine. This made me feel better because what's an alter or an elaborate ritual without heart? It's nothing. I think many of us get caught up in the "have to's", feeling like we "have to" do all these things to please our God or Goddess when really they want the same thing we do, a true, pure relationship with unconditional love. I have nothing against having alters or doing rituals, in fact I encourage it, but we should do these things not because we feel we must, but as way way to physically show our love and affection for our Gods and Goddesses. So sure I may not have anything tangible in which to honor Lilith, but I have given her my heart, my love.

"My child, you need not know much in order to please Me.
Only Love Me dearly.
Speak to me, as you would talk to your mother,
if she had taken you in her arms."

Cradle of Filth- Lilith Immaculate

Memories

As I sat pondering what to make my next post on I felt compelled to simply share a few memories.  I remember the first time I learned who Lilith was. I was 17, I had been living in a home where being Pagan was forbidden only Christian was allowed. One day I was online researching the child's tune Pop Goes the Weasel when I learned that the word lullaby came from a phrase meaning "to keep Lilith away." I was then curious as to who this woman called Lilith was, so I began researching her. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow, I wish I could be like her, wild and free chained down by nobody." She spoke to me then, she told me that she was there and she knew that I couldn't do anything at that point and she understood, but she would wait and when the time came she would be there. I never forgot that. When I was about 19 I returned to my Pagan path, but I didn't feel that I was ready for Lilith, she really intimidated me. I began working with Hecate again, although it wasn't the same as it had been, she was much more distant, and I knew why I just didn't want to accept it. Finally I did though and Hecate left me in the capable hands of Lilith. The first thing she wanted me to work on was sex and my sexuality, to accept and explore it in a way I never had before. This one took me some time since being in such a conservative home I had suppressed myself for so long. She understood where I came from and was patient and gentle with me (well as gentle as she could be.) Along with this simultaneously I ended up working on myself esteem. During this time I remember being uncomfortable, a lot. Sometimes though being uncomfortable is good as it helps us grow. Over the time I fell more and more in love with her. Every time I even just thought of her feelings I can't even put words to welled up in me so strong it hurt and sometimes brought me to tears. Still even now this occurs. Once I "graduated" she came to me in a dream and told me that it was time for her to become more of a mother.  She is my mother, my sister, my friend and my lover.

Liliths Cave

Liliths Cave, the place I entered nearly two years ago. I was brought to Lilith by Hecate. Hecate is the one who prepared me, helped me learn my path when I was just starting and guided me by Her blazing torches. At first I didn't want Hecate to leave me with Lilith, she was (or should I say is) so intense, but I was assured that I was ready for this new step. I had to let go and trust them both. Since entering that cave I've changed a lot . It seems Liliths favorite question is, "Why?" and let me tell you, "I don't know" is the wrong answer. She made me face the most teriffying thing out there, myself.  I would like to use this space to share with all those interested, my relationship with my Goddess, Lilith.